It's a long and often heartbreaking process - nafoban980soowzcom’s blog

Adopting a child is not like getting approved to adopt a puppy. It's a long and often heartbreaking process, and flippantly suggesting that someone 'just adopt' shows ignorance of that fact. When I was younger, I really wasn't aware of this myself and so can't blame others for not being aware. But I've now seen friends go through the process, and looked into it myself (I've been interested for a long time in foster/adopting when my kids get older). I've also spent a good bit of time reading people's experiences here on reddit. An awful lot of people have this misconception that adoption is an easy default backup plan.

Adoption is a tough process. If you want a baby, odds are you've already been through the heartbreak of infertility. You have to go through education and approval, often pay a lot of money, and then still have a substantial risk of the birth parent backing out or worse, deciding they want the baby back after you've taken it home. (I can only imagine how awful that is). If you want to adopt non-infants, these aren't kids coming from pristine backgrounds here. They are almost always going to have special needs or mental baggage to work through; they may grow up and reject you and go back to their birth family. When you foster you have to accept that the kids are coming to you from bad situations (and sometimes from other bad foster homes), that you don't get to keep them forever, and that the real goal is to reunite them with the parent who lost them in the first place.

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It's not easy or pretty, and it's important to recognize that this isn't for everyone. Me, I'm mentally torn on whether it's even for me, and I always had said I was open to adoption.

I went into foster care around about the age of two. Along with my two biological younger brothers. We were bore stair step. Neighbor reported abuse and neglect. I remember abuse and neglect. And when I was asked I reported abuse and neglect and we were removed from the home. We went to 9 different homes in two years. Several of which we were abused more than our bio parents had. We were returned once for three days then removed again. At four ended up in the foster home we would be in until we were adopted with the exception of when I was six and placed in a children psychiatric ward. Abused there for six months my foster parents came in to visit one day and caught them. They removed me and the family agreed to adopt us. It took several years. They adopted all three of us so we wouldn’t be separated. I’ve severe ptsd but because I received good and timely interventions I came out fairly ok. Have a job. Am married. But also have severe anxiety and depression. Can’t shake the feeling of not being wanted or someone taking me in the night. I wake from nightmares looking for my brothers. We slept in the same room until I was in the 8th grade because I just couldn’t not be in the same room at night without freaking out. I was too old after that. Girl has to have her own room 😊. I am older than my years with an ability to survive when needed. Ask questions I’ll answer them to the best of my abikity

Incredible. I feel very invasive asking questions. I'm a giver. I give my info. Im so sorry you were abused in both of those systems and at the hands of your bio parents. I also witnessed/expirenced forms of abuse in psychiatric wards for minors. I am happy you are able to grow from it. I'm glad that neighbor and your adoptive parents intervened on it. I hope they feel like a family to you. I'm glad they kept you all together as siblings. I endured quite a bit, but not like that. I feel like 16 at times, 30 at others. I'm about in the middle in actual age.

I’m sending you a PM. Too hard to type here. Same situation.

Edit: After typing that I felt like sharing for the rest of the Reddit community.

I am in the same position. Abused by bio mother, abused in foster care. The only saving grace was my social worker, who was able to read through my vague responses and understood I was being viciously abused. She is an angel to me.

I’m in my 40s, married and have an amazing child who I love with every ounce of my soul. Still struggling with the baggage that’s still there.